Collateral (Caption)

“I’m afraid that it was all in the contract you signed, yes. I am aware that it can come across as quite the shock, but after a few days, as things normalize, you will settle in, and things will feel normal, for the most part.”

The gentleman who has a few questions about his loan that defaulted recently

“Well yes, I’m sure the offer was too good to be true. You see, most loan services operate on existing forms of collateral, but our unique firm, for clients with poor credit, such as yourself, use a more…unorthodox form of collateral. That is, if you fail to repay your loans, we leverage your future earnings and wealth–which is to say, we age you far enough such that you would have made the money needed to repay us, in whatever work you do, and once that amount is reached, the deal is considered settled.”

“I can see that, yes, you are rather…well, it says here your initial age was 23, correct? And it was a car loan? Yes–well, there are late fees to consider. You did take that refinance offer, and when your account is late, we are allowed by law to increase the interest rate to 28. percent–again, all of this was in your contract.”

“Ah, the weight–yes, well, you see, we do you a favor really. In our process of calculating your age of sufficient repayment–or ASR as we call it in house–we do our best to keep your life on a tight budget, so that we can minimize your ASR. In your case, a cheap diet of fast food was added to deduct seven years from your ASR, and given your unemployment, we did find it necessary to find you work to provide income, working as a retail associate for a big box store of some sort–I’m sure you’ll remember better than we can. We also minimize relationships and progeny–I’m sure you can understand why, children are so expensive! In your particular case, modifying your sexual orientation to gay was the easiest way to keep costs down–for young men like yourself, it usually is.”

“Now, now, it isn’t so bad, really. Your loan is gone, right? You do have a substantial amount of new credit card debt of course–it dropped your ASR by six years if we loaded up a few for you. You really should be thanking me, by the way. When I got your file, the suggested ASR was 78! 54 really is much more reasonable, isn’t that right, Mr. Harthrow? Now, why don’t you thank me in the way you do best, eh?”

“Oh come now, I can see that you remember, you old slut. You suck me off every week in here–you have for years at this point. If you want, I can give you those extra twenty years or so, you know…”

“That’s what I thought–now come on daddy, get sucking.”

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