Winter in the Northwest is pretty terrible if you enjoy having a bronzed complexion. Tanning is really your only option, so when the “Light Palace” opened up, my interest was piqued. They were a specialty tanning salon, whose tanning booths gave off different frequencies of light, in order to produce various effects. Of course, I thought the idea was idiotic but novelty can be fun.

I don’t know what happened, to be honest. Maybe I went to the wrong booth, or they calibrated the frequencies wrong. All I remember was lying in the booth when I started to feel itchy. I couldn’t see very well in the blue light, but my fairly smooth body was packing on hair at an incredibly rapid pace. Worse, the booth was locked into a ten minute cycle–I was trapped.

Suffice to say, they gave me a refund, though it wasn’t much compensation considering I’ll never be rid of this pelt. It grows back in a day, and my face has a five o’ clock shadow an hour after shaving. I just learned to embrace it, eventually, though unfortunately, being bronzed doesn’t matter if no one can see your skin.