I…stepped down into the basement, where Marcus and Cumster were, and I saw their eyes when they saw me, when they saw the law coming for them, and…
No–I want to get to the basement, because what happened down there eclipsed everything else that had happened to me so far, but that didn’t happen yet. But everything is too hard to recall now, because time…time is so slippery now? It didn’t feel like that before, but now everything around me is sliding about, and all I want to do is anchor, strap it down, pin it like some butterfly in a display case. I’ve been missing for so long, I’ve allowed so much chaos out into the world, and nothing is ordered. The law has been forgotten by these mortals, if they ever knew it, if they ever could have abided it. I was so much more than I ever thought I could be, I was so blind.
So yes, the basement happened, but not first. First, the house was broken into, I didn’t know by who then. The fear I felt…I couldn’t name it. I had just done some strange, indescribable battle with some nightmarish beast, but never had I felt fear then. But knowing that my house had been violated, and that my skin had been there, unguarded–skin, that’s what it is now, not what it was, or it was, but I didn’t know how to wear it. My uniform was there, the uniform I had peeled away after my night with Cumster in the basement, after I had begun to stir at last, after so long, and I’d not even known what it was! My own skin!
I remember binding Jules in the kitchen, and then didn’t spare him another thought, as I raced up to my room, throwing open my closet, and I don’t think I breathed until I saw in hanging there, where I had left it like some fucking fool, and I knew that before anything else, before finding the person who had violated my home, I need it on me, the uniform, though it didn’t even look like a uniform anymore, not really.
The navy had darkened–not to black, but to some bottomless blue, the ocean so deep down it gets only scraps of light. I touched it with my gloved hands, felt the rubber like texture, but what sent a shiver up my arms was realizing that it was warm. It was…alive, it was a skin. My skin. My true skin, the skin of the thing inside me, the thing that had been sleeping, that is, me. It can’t be written, what we are. What we always have been. Maybe before, I could have described it, but I’m too close to it now, I can’t get the distance I would need to distinguish us.
I tore off the clothes I was wearing. Tore them–I didn’t bother undressing myself, I knew I would never need them again–and only left on my boots and my gloves, which I couldn’t have taken off, even had I wanted to. They are my skin too–I could see how, after wearing them for just a few hours, they had already begun to fuse into the other flesh below. It was why I could…feel everything through the palm of my gloves, like there was no barrier at all–because now there truly isn’t one. I tried to pull the shirt and pants apart, but they refused to part–in the closet, they had joined together into a single piece of skin, but the chest was still undone, allowing me to step into the legs and pulling everything else up around me as a single piece. The fit was tight, but not uncomfortable–rather, as soon as it was on me, I found it hard to believe I had ever even removed it. The idea of ever taking my skin off just seemed incomprehensible, and the fact that I was already thinking of the uniform as a skin disturbed me, because I was still, am still, I suppose, trying to fight this.
I kept it at bay for so long, inside me. I don’t know how I did it, how I quelled it. The Bruiser couldn’t keep it in, obviously–now that I know, now that it’s out and a part of me, I understand all of it better, I suppose, but it took Cumster to fill in the rest of the gaps–once he understood who I was, exactly…because my fellow had not been entirely honest with him, about whose den he was walking into. I was gentle though–I can be, at times. The law is firm, but obeying it need not be arduous, if you only live it inside you.
Live it inside you, what sense is that even? You reading this will never understand it in full, but I write it anyway. Find me, if you want to know, really know, what this is. If this tale fills you with a quaking need for me, if you know something inside you is…twisted, you know what I mean, if this is you. I can right you, I can order everything about you, all of your life will feel purpose driving you to the fate you should have had. He frees, that is all he knows how to do. Sees the desires inside you, the ones you can’t bare to follow, and unshackles you from your own doubt and terror. I’m different. We are all different, in our own ways. Choice is meaningless, when one has the law inside you. My law is strict, but living it feels like the most natural state in the world, once it has settled in your guts.