He looked at the papers, confused. He…He knew what they were, but why would he be grading papers for one of the professor’s intro courses? That…that was the sort of thing a TA in the graduate program would do, right? He looked around the room again, and was surprised by a few other little details out of place–books from seminars he’d taken during his senior year, even though he also knew he was just a junior. A picture of him in cap and gown, his parents smiling with him…it couldn’t be, could it? And was that even him in the photo?
He grabbed it and stared at it, in denial. The person there, the person he recognized as himself…he didn’t look right at all. Chubby, with a full beard on his face, hair trimmed short, and even receding slightly already–it wasn’t possible. He went to the mirror in the room, and sure enough–there he was. The same man from the photo, although now even a couple years older than that, with his Masters under his belt, his hairline receding even a bit further, and with another twenty-five pounds or so on his frame. It wasn’t just his body from the picture, though–it was the body from that fantasy, the one he’d felt. Had…had that kiss happened? His fantasy felt so real, and yet he couldn’t be sure–he didn’t quite know what to believe, but he knew, for certain, that he needed to see Herman–there had to be some answers there, right?
He grabbed the pile of papers to be graded, figuring he could use them as an excuse, threw them in his bag and took off for Herman’s office. He usually worked on lesson planning at this time of day, so he should still be there. As he went, everything felt both…completely alien, and yet, also utterly familiar, almost like he’d walked these exact steps already before. He picked up the pace slightly and got to the professor’s office a bit out of breath–he collected himself a moment, before knocking gently.
“Come in!”
Burt stepped into the room, and when he saw Herman there, the love swept over him–perhaps even stronger than it had been before. When Burt had first studied with him as an undergrad…he’d known he had to stay close to him, somehow. A Master’s degree had just made sense, at the time…and even though he’d kept his feelings a secret, all this time, he knew, perhaps, that Herman had a few lingering feelings about his star student as well.
“What’s up, Burt?”
“Oh! Uh, I just had a couple of questions about, uh, the rubric for the papers I’m grading is all…” It was a terrible excuse, and the look of puzzlement on Herman’s face told him that.
“You’ve TA’d that class before–you know what I expect.”
“Yeah, I know, I just, well, there’s a few that kind of fall in the cracks, you know?” he pulled a paper out, and took it over to Herman, around the desk, and when he did–he felt it. He’d been here, right here, in that fantasy, and before he could stop himself, he pushed his face to Herman’s and kissed him.
It was nothing like that first kiss–that kiss that no longer even needed to exist in his mind. Herman was surprised, for a moment, and then responded, sliding his tongue between Burt’s lips, and he felt his thick frame shudder with delight, but before he got too carried away, Herman pulled back. “That…was unexpected,” Herman said, a bit red in his cheeks.
“I…I can’t tell you how long I’ve wanted to do that,” Burt said, “I…I love you,” he said, leaned in again, but Herman pushed him back and shook his head.
“I…Burt, you’re sweet, and…cute, and I admit that I find you attractive, but…but we can’t. This isn’t ok. I’m still your teacher, and your mentor.”
“I don’t care!” Burt said, “I…I’ll do anything, please…you don’t know what it’s like, what I feel.”
“Oh yes I do, trust me. I was in love plenty of times when I was young too. It hurts, I know, but this has to be professional first. This could put your doctorate in jeopardy.”
Burt could tell there wouldn’t be any reasoning with him, and so he mumbled an agreement, packed up the papers and left again, back to his room. He was confused, and hurt, and still didn’t quite know what to make of any of this–especially that necklace. It…it hadn’t worked. It hadn’t been enough. Back in the room, he stripped down naked, and looked at himself in the mirror–at his current self. It felt totally normal now…but that didn’t make the change any less strange. Why had the necklace changed him at all? Why not just…make Herman love him? Instead, all he got was a bit shorter, a bit fatter, a bit older, and a bit better of kiss from him than he’d gotten when he was himself–his real self.
He should take it back, fine that old man, and try and get him to change him back. Whatever this was…it wasn’t what he wanted, right? Well, maybe not in isolation, but if it had worked, if it had made Herman love him, he would have been ecstatic, and more than willing to live this life in exchange for that love to be returned. He got dressed again, and then found the necklace on the desk, where he’d tossed it–but something made him pause, before shoving it back in his pocket. The stone in the middle of the knot–it was glowing.
Bracken's Corner 