Pigtown Provides: Episode 1 (Part 1)

All Ashford wanted was for his son to talk to him again. It felt like it had been ages since they’d last sat down together–over a meal, or playing a game, or just out on the back porch–and really talked to one another. When Carter had been younger, he’d never had a problem telling him anything, and Ashford loved listening to him, and learning from him. There was something about how a child saw the world that made you look at things differently, sometimes like you were seeing them for the first time ever, and Carter, too, had always seen his dad as some amazing repository of knowledge. Everyone had to grow up sometime, though, and Ashford could have accepted that, or at least, he’d told himself that he’d need to accept it at some point.

For a time, he’d been able to pass the distance growing between them off as as just that–his son just growing up, and while he was never quite the buoyant, precocious little twerp he’d been before, he still was, well, normal. Normal interests, like a normal boy. But things had started to shift at some point–Ashford had never really been able to pinpoint where exactly, but things certainly hadn’t been easy, after his son had told him he was gay. While Ashford did his best to be supportive, he knew almost nothing about it. It wasn’t that though, but it was something else like that. He started keeping secrets from him, outright lying to him on occasion. Ashford was too afraid to put his foot down, worried he’d just drive him further and further away, but he just kept drifting all the same. Still, when Carter graduated from high school, he could still recognize him. It was sometime during Carter’s sophomore year at college that…something struck him, hard.

Carter had gone to the state school in the city, close enough that he could live at home, and take the lightrail to campus each day. Ashford gave him the space he felt he needed, but did his best to enforce some boundaries too–making him get a job and buy his own groceries and pay for his own transportation. He had a habit of staying out late with his friends, and Ashford didn’t pry into where he was going, or who he was seeing, figuring Carter would bring someone home when he was comfortable doing so. Then, from one day to the next, one Carter left to go to school in the morning, and the next day, a…different young man left his son’s room, came down, and ate breakfast with him at the table. His head…told him he was his son, and he had no trouble recognizing him…but how had he grown a beard overnight? And why did he smell like cigars?

Carter grew more and more distant after that. His grades were suffering too, and the friends he’d been hanging around with before had been replaced with others, older men mostly, scruffier, and not the sort of type Ashford wanted him associating with. On one hand, he was his own person, but didn’t he have some duty as a father to make sure he wasn’t in trouble? Frustrated that Carter wouldn’t talk to him about what was going on with him, wouldn’t explain why he kept wearing all that leather, and who those old men commenting on his facebook selfies were with all that…inappropriate innuendo. In the end, he did it not for Carter’s sake, but for his own peace of mind. He just had to know that he was alright, that he wasn’t in any real trouble. So here he was, on a Saturday night downtown, following his son down a lonely sidewalk, watching the cloud of cigar smoke drifting up as he strode in his leather pants and jacket, looking lonelier than Ashford had ever seen him in his life.

He just wanted to rush up to him and hug him, tell him everything was going to be alright, tell him that no matter what it was that was going on with him, whatever trouble he’d gotten himself into, that he’d help him if he could. He didn’t though. He hung back most of a block behind him, waiting as Carter chatted with a few guys he passed along the way, laughing and chuckling, more than one sharing a kiss with them, and the occasional grope. He’d never imagined Carter doing something like that…maybe he’d never known him as well as he’d thought. He followed him deeper into the city’s gay district, away from the well travelled streets and down into the alleys, where he stopped at an unmarked door–aside from a sign hanging above it with the face of a cartoon pig winking on it, and rang the buzzer. After a moment, the door opened, Carter slipped inside, and then he was gone.

Was that it? What was behind that door? A club of some sort, probably. But what was wrong with that, exactly? He hadn’t been buying drugs. He wasn’t working the street as a prostitute…probably. But none of his questions were answered by this…but maybe, if he went in…and then what? Maybe he should just accept that his son had grown up and away, that there was nothing he could do to fix the distance between them. He was, most of all, tired–and wanted to go to bed. He turned around, when three burly guys turned the corner in the alley and started coming towards him. He froze. The space was a bit too narrow to pass them easily, and he didn’t really want to get into trouble with anyone.

One of them whistled. It took him a moment to realize it was directed at him–that all three of them were staring right at him, coming closer, the one in the back openly groping his crotch. “Now what’s a cute little business bear like you doing in a scummy little alley like this?” one of them said, closing the distance between them, the others circling and pinning him to the brick wall in a semicircle.

“I was just…leaving, actually, if you wouldn’t mind,” Ashford said, and tried to push his way out of the three of them, but when he tried, one of the bears just spun him around, pushed him back to the brick and leaned into him–where he could feel the man’s hard cock pressed against his ass through both of their pants.

“Leaving? But the night’s just getting started. You weren’t gonna leave without going inside, were you? I don’t think I’ve ever even seen you around here before, buddy.”

“Get off me, you fucking homo!” Ashford said, and shoved back from the wall, making the bear come away from him laughing. The other bears were chuckling too. He tried to get back out of the mouth of the alley, but before he got very far, two of the bears grabbed him, and the third, who he’d shouted at, stepped very close to his face.

“Homo, eh? And what does that make you?”

“You don’t…I was looking for my son.”

One of the bears whistled, and the bear put on a mocking grin, “Oh daddy, don’t worry about your little boy, I’m sure he can find someone better than you in there. Hell, he probably already has. But I’ll tell you what–why don’t you let the boys and I give you a tour? See if we can find him for you. Or who knows, maybe you’ll find something a little better–us homos have a way of knowing what men are looking for,” he reached out and started rubbing Ashford’s cock through his pants, and with the other hand, grabbed him around the back of the neck and pulled him into a kiss, Ashford trying to pull away from the man’s breath that mostly smelled of cigars, until he pulled away. “Come on guys, let’s help the daddy find a boy–or something better. After all, you never know what you might find in Pigtown, right?”

Arctos: Filters – Episode 3 (Part 1)

When Bruce woke the next morning, he found himself alone in the bed–but that wasn’t unusual. Jay always rose early to get started on work around the farm before dawn. Bruce had helped him out on a few occasions, but apparently Jay hadn’t needed, or perhaps wanted, Bruce’s help this morning. He wasn’t sure how to feel about that, and he wondered what it meant, if it meant anything at all. It was silly to try and parse it out, he supposed. Jay wasn’t exactly a subtle fellow–he would let Bruce know exactly what he was thinking soon enough. He got up and got dressed in the clothes he’d arrived in the night before–he hadn’t bothered to pack a bag. He hadn’t even really known why he’d even come back here.

Well, that was a lie. He’d come back here because he was lonely. Because even if Jay was a fucking sadistic psychopath (something Bruce had screamed at him when he’d last been in this house) he was also the one person in the world that Bruce felt understood him. All of him. Or at least most of him. He’d grown up in the city, but even living with Jay here on the weekends had changed him. It had been hard, figuring out what to do with himself…because he liked Jay. Hell, he might even love him. But he…also needed to feel safe, and sometimes, Jay could be scary as all hell. It was why he’d left, but it was also why he’d come back, he supposed.

Once he was dressed, he went out into the hallway, and sure enough, there was the scent of breakfast on the air. Jay loved cooking for Bruce–hell, Jay loved everything about Bruce, and maybe that’s why he could be so scary, because he loved Bruce more than Bruce could ever imagine loving himself. He loved parts of himself that Bruce could only ever imagine hating.

He trekked downstairs, listening to Jay whistling one of his old tunes off the country radio station as he cooked, and there was already quite a spread laid out on the table. Jay had heard the old stairwell creaking under Bruce’s weight, and looked over his shoulder at the hefty pig in the doorway, licking his chops as he stood there. “Well go on then, tuck in. I ain’t ‘bout tah fuck ya and not bother tah feed ya, ya know that.”

The voice was congenial, but cold. Distant maybe, or cautious. Jay wasn’t quite sure what to make of Bruce’s sudden appearance either, apparently. Bruce wasn’t about to turn down the offer, and if he rejected a meal from Jay…well, he’d never have a chance with him then. Jay was very proud about his cooking, and he had earned that pride in Bruce’s opinion. He sat down and started shoveling food into him, grunting a bit as he did, and Jay kept filling up the table as he did, softening a bit as he watched the pig eat up, but then, he’d always loved a man who could appreciate his cooking properly. They didn’t talk much though. The last argument they’d had in here was still thick, when Jay had suggested they take their relationship a bit…further, than Bruce had been comfortable with.

So Bruce filled the silence with food, and Jay started washing up the pots and pans in the sink. He could hear Bruce slowing down, getting full, and Jay decided it was time to air things out a bit. “So, you staying? Or are you just gonna come flying in here, without so much as a call, anytime you feel like it?”

Bruce swallowed his mouthful of food, and then sat back. He didn’t know what the answer was himself, really. “I…missed you, I…I’m sorry for the things I said, last time, it wasn’t…kind.”

Jay shrugged. Shrugging was his way of acknowledging something that hadn’t been needed to be said, or that should have been self-evident. When Bruce had called him a fucking sadistic psychopath, Jay had shrugged then, as his way of saying, “We both already know that–why’d you even bother saying it?” It drove Bruce a bit mad when he did that, when Jay just…dismissed him, and what he had to say, like it didn’t really matter, because Jay had already thought of it too.

“But you really…I’m not some animal, you know. I’m a person too. I might be a freak, I don’t…really know what I am to be honest. Being with you feels good, most of the time, but sometimes you really fucking scare me.”

“It only scares ya ’cause ya want it.”

“I do not want it.”

“Pig, ya gotta want it a little, or ya wouldn’t fuckin’ be back here again, now would ya?” Jay quit the dishes, and wiped his thick hands off in a towel, before turning to the table. “Now–are you staying? Or are we gonna keep playin’ this game a while longer, until I get bored with it? Cause I gotta be honest, it’s borin’ as fuckin’ hell on ice.”

“Are you not–can you just not listen to what I’m saying? Is that what’s wrong with you? What you said last time, that was fucking insane shit! I–who the fuck would agree to something like that? Did you honestly expect me to say yes?”

Jay shrugged again, and then walked over to the table. “Ya didn’t finish, pig.”

“I was saving some for you.”

“I already ate when I got up–this is all for you.”

“I…Jay, can we be serious for a fucking second?”

Jay just picked up a pancake, folded it in half, and pushed it against Bruce’s snout, waiting to see what he would do. Bruce opened up, and Jay slid the pancake in. “How about you finish eating pig? Then we can talk about it.”

Arctos: Filters – Episode 2 (Part 4)

He loaded up the package he’d made for Jean, and looked at him on the screen–and he realized it was the first time he’d ever seen him in real life, breathing in front of him. All the other times it had just been still shots, warped from their own past…but this was so much clearer. He was…huge, for one thing, and that was saying something, since Bruce was over six and a half feet tall at this point. Jean was bigger than him, meaner than him, hairier than him…is that really what he wanted in a man? Usually, when he’d been with men, he liked to be the dominant one, topping them with his thick pig cock, making them squeal along with him while he fucked them…but as hot as those scenarios were, they weren’t the ones he remembered. The ones he craved–and which terrified him–were with the men like this. The ones who could overwhelm him, the ones who knew that what Bruce really wanted was to be treated like a fucking animal. They beat him, they caged him, they fucked him, they mocked him–all of it made his pig cock harder than anything else. Now, right in front of him, was a man…bigger than anyone he’d ever had sex with, someone strong enough to take him in a straight fight. Did he even know what kind of person he was going to be? He could only guess, he supposed…but while it made him nervous…he had to do this. It was the only way he could know for sure.

He took the picture. The screen loaded for a couple of minutes–it always took a little extra time when there were so many filters…and Bruce couldn’t really recall how many he’d ended up loading into the package. It was quite a few, maybe even a few more than he’d ended up using on himself. The picture loaded, at last, and he put the phone down. There, lying in front of him, was Jean, the hulking farmer of his dreams, snoring away on his king size bed, naked, ten inch cock half erect. The room around them had changed too–after all, they weren’t in an apartment anymore–they were in Jean’s house, on his farm, out in the middle of nowhere. Bruce crouched down beside him, snout next to one of Jean’s armpits, and took a whiff–it was hay, and sweat, and mud, and hard work…and his cock was so damn hard. Jean had always gotten him harder than anyone else–but he also terrified him. Why in the hell had he come back here, was he crazy? Hell–maybe he was. That, or maybe Jean was right. Maybe…Maybe Jean did know what Bruce wanted better than Bruce did. But what would happen when he woke up? After all, he hadn’t reset his default form–he supposed that when he woke up, he would have full memory of both himself as this Jean, and as the Jean from before–but if he found out what Bruce had done to him…he would be furious, and Bruce didn’t want to see either Jean that angry.

So what choice did he have? It was…such a violation of trust, he knew that, but he was so deep already, what the hell did it matter, fucking this up a little further? The only way he’d know, is if he went the whole way, all the way. He went into the settings, choose reset default form, and the program warned him, as it had before, that any changes made would be irreversible. Part of him felt terrible, but…but this was the only way he’d be able to know, really know, what he wanted. Besides, it wasn’t like the old Jules would be around to complain about it anyway–if anything, this man should be thanking him for letting him exist at all. He accepted the warning, and waited while the program began the process of resetting defaults.

He’d been drunk the last time this had happened. Well, he’d been drunker than he was now at least. Before, all he’d really felt was an odd, sweeping shift around him, and a bit of a knot in his gut, but this time, it seemed more…forceful–and he wasn’t even the one it was focused on. He supposed it was good that Jay was asleep for it, because it seemed…painful. He curled up tight, moaning and groaning, and as he writhed on the bed, his body kept shifting, looking too small or too large, out of proportion, once he even looked like his old self–just for a moment, but enough to give Bruce a bit of a heart attack when it happened–and then things settled back down, he rolled back over and fell back into his usual deep sleep, snoring logs, just like how Bruce remembered him when they’d been together…before Bruce had called it quits, and run off back to the city, a few weeks before.

That…didn’t sound quite right to him, somehow. Part of him was trying to say that it was Jay who had called quits on the relationship, that he’d gotten tired of Bruce never wanting to open up and change for him, but the more he thought about it, the harder his head hurt, and the more wrong it all seemed. He was tired–he’d be able to remember everything a bit better in the morning, he was sure. He climbed back into Jay’s bed and slid closer to him, smelling his musk–not quite as strong as his own…but more authentic, somehow, and wondered if this had been a good idea, coming back. Jay had seemed…happy to see him though, and hadn’t mentioned anything like what he’d wanted to talk about before, when Bruce had left. Maybe they’d be able to work it out after all.

Arctos: Filters – Episode 2 (Part 1)

For the next few weeks, he managed to keep the desires better under control, only pigging out on rare occasions, usually after having a bit too much to drink. Each time, he would begin with the package from the last time he changed…but each time he did, it never quite felt like enough, and so he started adding more and more filters to the package he’d been curating for himself. He gave into the snout next, but discovered that it did more than just affect him cosmetically. It was much harder to talk–his mouth just didn’t seem to be designed for human words, and it was so much easier (and so much sexier) to just lay around the house grunting, oinking and squealing his way to orgasm after orgasm. One night, in a drunken haze, he went and added a thick brass ring in his pig nose as well, and the sensation of it tugging down on the end of his snout was so hot, he went and added rings in both of his ears, and in his nipples as well. Out of curiosity one night, he decided to swap out the fat filter he’d been using for one that was even larger–and also decided to make himself a bit taller. The result was him growing to almost seven feet tall, weighing close to 600 pounds, listening to the floor creak underneath him as he lumbered to and fro, snorting, groping for his now slightly too small cock–but he fixed that too, his piggy member growing to almost ten inches long. He found a barnyard musk filter, and soon he was smelling like he’d been rolling around in muddy manure all day long–and the stink turned him on even more, made him long to be in a real puddle–longing for….someone. No matter how much he changed, though, no matter how extreme he pushed himself, something was always missing. He would turn the filters he’d used on Jean’s photo back on, and just scroll through, fantasizing about having a big, butch farmer to fuck his piggy hole, roll him around in the mud, collar him, chain him on all fours, treat him like the animal he deserved to be.

And then, in the morning, he would usually wake up with a hangover, still in his piggy form, take all the filters off, hating how…ashamed he was of this human body now, and he would go to work, and go see Jean, and just feel…miserable. He was so focused on himself, and his own strange obsession with the pig he’d begun to identify with, that he didn’t notice Jean losing patience with him. For a month or so, Jean took a softer tack. He could tell something was wrong, that as much as his boyfriend tried to tell him there wasn’t anything going on with him–he was clearly lying. Bruce was distracted and morose. He would be non-responsive, and then something minor would set off an inexplicable tirade of anger. He couldn’t read him–and he was no longer sure that he even wanted to know. Why was he putting all of this effort into a man who clearly had no real interest in being honest with him?

As Bruce found himself falling back into his obsession, he began to cling tighter to Jean as a reference point to himself, but Jean was already pulling away. Where Bruce had seemed mysterious and thoughtful, all he saw now was someone with no self-awareness, and no capacity for a mature relationship. Just as Bruce was beginning to think he could make this relationship work with Jean for the long run–Jean pulled the rug out from under him and broke up the next time they got together. He was so stunned, he didn’t know what to do about it, or what to say, or even what to feel, as Jean ran down the list of reasons why he didn’t think Bruce was ready for a relationship, and why Jean didn’t want to bother helping him learn. Bruce could only sit there, listening to Jean describe someone else. Someone he’d come to hate as well, someone he’d never understood. He just wished that he could just get away, back to his apartment where he could get drunk, turn on his filters, and be who he really wanted to be. Be the pig he was coming to think he really was, on the inside. Jean was surprised by how little push back he got from Bruce, as he explained his reasoning. He didn’t seem to care–and to Jean, that only served to cement for him that leaving him was the right decision.

Bruce left as soon as he could find an opportunity, and on the way home, everything Jean had told him just…didn’t seem to matter to him in the slightest. Maybe everything he’d said was true, maybe it wasn’t. It didn’t really matter, in the end, because all of Jean’s complaints weren’t about him, not really. They were about a man, about the man he’d been, but this had clarified something for him–Bruce didn’t want to be that man anymore. Nothing about the way he’d been made any sense to him anymore–the only time he felt complete was when he had those filters on, when he was a pig. A real pig. He knew it was impossible though. He knew he could never really be that pig, and he knew that being that pig couldn’t possibly solve all of his problems overnight. He got home, and started drinking. A few beers in, he turned on his filters and sat down on the couch, listening to it creak under his heft, groping his slimy cock and scrolling through pictures of him and Jean–and then he started digging into the app a bit further.

Underneath the settings, he found what he was looking for–reset default form. He clicked it, and a warning window popped up, telling him that if he reset his defaults, the filters he currently applied would become more detailed and fleshed out as they were fully incorporated into reality–but that once the choice was made, there was no going back. While he might be able to use other filters to get back to something close to who he’d been–it would be gone forever. His memories, too, would disappear or become faint. More like a half-remembered dream. This would be him, forever. He would finally get to be the pig he knew he wanted to be…but what if he didn’t really want this? Did it matter? He wanted it more than who he’d been, he knew that. He could always be something else, later, after all. All he really knew, was that he was done being this particular human, forever. Still, he wavered for a couple hours, and didn’t work up the courage to do it until after a few more beers. He didn’t remember much about the process–just a splitting headache, the sensation of the world twisting around him…and when it was finished, he didn’t feel…particularly different. Or at least, no different than he usually felt. Then, he passed out, snorting and snoring on the couch, and he didn’t get up until the early afternoon the next day.

Remembrances – Episode 2 (Part 5)

Harry didn’t say anything–he knew that whatever this demon was thinking, nothing that Harry did would sway him one way or another.

Mr. Elroy just turned back to him, with that same dreadful smile he had on, when he was contemplating something horrible. “I like you Harry–You’re a man–you’re a whole set of possibilities that’s meant to be savored, but I just don’t know if I can trust you. You’re just a bit too…strong willed, I think. That, and I’ve been a bit too kind to you. I’ve let you imagine that you can make a difference here. Tell me, how did it feel, when you found out your best friend was screwing your wife, Harry?”

The memory slammed into him like a freight train. He’d been gone on a trip, a few years before the accident, but arrived home early, when he was bumped up to an earlier flight. He’d come home and found Wilbur’s car in the driveway, and inside, he’d snuck to the bedroom and watched them fuck. It wasn’t like how he fucked Patricia. She never made those sorts of noises when he was on top of her, and Wilbur…he had the same virile energy coursing around him that Harry felt when they were in bed together. He hadn’t been able to help himself–he’d pulled out his cock–his much…shorter cock–and jacked off in the hallway, watching them. He was so ashamed of himself–he’d fled the house, gone to a bar for a few too many drinks, and then arrived home at the correct time. He’d never said anything about it to either of them–he loved them too much, even though he knew now that neither of them really loved him in the same way. He…wanted them to be happy. He would vacate the house at convenient times, and then sneak back in to watch, just to try and capture some of their energy, just to feel close to them, even if they didn’t know he was there.

He found himself back in his apartment, and he couldn’t stop himself–he started sobbing. Mr. Elroy laid a hand on his shoulder. “Now, now, Harry, men shouldn’t cry, you know that.”

He looked up, and Wilbur was looking down at him, or was it Mr. Elroy now? He didn’t know for certain anymore–he didn’t know anything, beyond the fact that he’d never felt so humiliated in his whole life. Humiliated, and yet, he missed them both so damn much…he had his son though–at least he had that. His son loved him, right?

“Look at you, Harry. You’re fucking weak.”

Harry tried to yell at him, but it just came out as gibberish without his teeth in. Mr. Elroy was kind enough to hand them back to him, and Harry shuddered as he put them in. “S-Shut up, this is all a damn pack of lies.”

“Lies? These are your memories, Harry. This is all you know. Can you tell the difference? I know you can’t. This is your truth now, Harry. Your best friend fucked your wife for years, and you never did anything about it, not once. It only got worse after the accident–especially since you couldn’t get hard anymore.” Mr. Elroy slid a hand up Harry’s thigh, and he felt his cock shrivel back, the pain from his knee running up into his hip now, “You’re lucky they could save at least one of your balls, though–the other one popped like a grape.”

Pain. So much pain in that memory, his leg and groin crushed under the machine, it must have weighed two tons, and he couldn’t do anything he couldn’t move, he just saw the blood running out on the ground under him, and Wilbur was there, and he just hoped he would…kiss him one last time, and take care of his family.

He flung himself back out of the memory and into the apartment. He hadn’t remembered the accident, not like that. He never wanted to feel that again.

“I could leave you there, you know,” Mr. Elroy said, “You could be pinned there, in your mind, for the rest of your days. Out here, you’ll look like a vegetable, and in there, just that horrific, wracking, neverending pain.” he knelt down, “Do you see how kind I have been to you Harry? Do you see how you’ve taken my kindness and flung it back at me, like a spoiled child?”

All he could do was sob, but he felt that same energy from Mr. Elroy’s hand on his shoulder, the same chill, and his eyes just dried up. The hurt, the anger, the grief and sadness was all still there, but calcified. He couldn’t let it out, he couldn’t show it; all he could do was live with it, remain stoic and unaffected by any emotion. That’s who he was–that’s what a real man was.

“You know why she loved being with Wilbur, Harry?” Mr. Elroy asked him, “It was because, with him, she found someone who could show some emotion. You were a real man, Harry, a real tough one, like a stone. But not very exciting in bed–just a couple of minutes on top of her until you came, and then you’d just fall right asleep. You could never give her satisfaction, and you knew it. You’re not a lover, Harry–you’re just a brute. Well, not anymore, I suppose. Now you’re just a weakling, but before…well, you remember, don’t you Harry?”

He was flung back into the past, back into himself, but while so much of it was the same…so much of it was…completely different. He saw himself in the mirror, his younger self, the unkempt hair and beard he always let grow out too long, until Patricia nagged him into cutting it off. Face caked with oil and sweat, because he rarely bothered showering–especially after Patricia insisted they start sleeping in separate beds, because he kept ruining the sheets with his dirt. He could see himself there, alone in that twin bed, sheets plain, smelling of grease and smoke and his own sweat…but he liked it. It felt comfortable, and he liked being comfortable, and if she wasn’t comfortable with him being a man–a real man–then why in the hell had she married him?

Remembrances – Episode 2 (Part 3)

“Everything alright, Harry?”

Mr. Elroy was over on the couch now, sitting with his son, arm around his shoulder, and his boy had that far off look in his eye again, like he had before. “Looked like you were remembering something. Your boy coming back to you finally?”

Harry nodded, “Yeah, some of it, I suppose.”

“Well, why don’t the three of us take a trip down memory lane together? After all, I think your son here could use a refresher as much as you could.”

They were all back in the old house again, and Wilbur was there, sitting with his son. He was older now, probably around ten or twelve, and Wilbur was talking about working in the factory, about tools, about mechanics and all the cool stuff they did at work all day, and his son was enthralled. He turned to Harry, who was just watching, and asked him if, when he was all grown up, he could go work there too, just like them, and Harry told him that nothing in the world would make him happier than having his son follow in his footsteps, and be a union laborer just like him.

The scene shifted, and now he was in the bleachers of the local high school, watching the two cross town rival teams duking it out on the field. Harry found himself following one member of the defensive line closely, and it wasn’t for a few minutes that he realized it was his son, Pete. But of course it was Pete! He was the biggest fucker out on the field after all–thanks to his mom’s big meals, and going to the gym with Uncle Wilbur. He sacked the quarterback, the stands erupted in a cheer, and he pulled his helmet off and waved to his dad in the stands. Harry waved back, along with Wilbur, and he had a hard time imagining that he could be more proud of his son than he was in that moment.

Time slipped again, but seemed…more fluid this time, like he was existing in more times than just one. He could see his son, eight or so, struggling with his homework, and Harry suggested he just skip it, and they go play football instead. Later, there was something similar, an argument he was having with Patricia while Pete was listening in, talking about his grades–or rather, about how bad his grades were. Harry didn’t think it was a big deal. You didn’t need to be smart to work in a factory, after all, but Patricia was concerned. It dawned on Harry that the reason Pete was so large as a Freshman on the football field in high school was because he’d been held back twice…or was it three times? He could also see Pete talking to him, older now, smoking a cigar with his dad in the garage while they worked on the car, telling him he wanted to drop out of school and just go work in the factory with him. Harry felt the entire time collapse there, somehow…and he knew what he was supposed to say–what Mr. Elroy wanted him to say…but he also knew it wasn’t right.

His son wasn’t stupid. He was clever, and intelligent, and just because school was a struggle didn’t mean he should quit…right? But more than that, Harry knew that what he was seeing…it wasn’t what had really happened. This wasn’t really his son, and he wasn’t really Harry at all! He…he was ruining his father’s life, the one he’d worked so hard to build, and for what?

He looked at him in the memory, grease covering his clothes and face, a thick beard already growing around his cheeks, haircut the same flat top his dad liked, ever since his days back in the army. He looked at him there, wanting an answer, and he could…see how if he gave him permission, there wasn’t going to be anything left for him. The factory would close down in a few years, after the accident, and everyone’s pensions would evaporate. His son needed an education if he was going to be someone–someone who mattered to the world–and not just some washed up redneck living in a dying small town, like Harry had become. So he said it.

He sat down with his young son, and even though Harry himself wasn’t very bright, they worked out the problems together, before going out and playing football in the yard as a reward. He agreed with his wife, and they did his best to work with Pete’s teachers to get his grades back where they needed to be, so he wouldn’t have to be held back. He talked him out of dropping out when things got rough, and told him that he wanted his son to have the sorts of opportunities he never got to have. That there was more to life than just working in a factory, that he could be so much. The potential in him was limitless! Why cut himself off at the knees? He could feel it–feel it having an impact and making a difference. He could almost see him walking across that stage to get his diploma, but before it fully materialized, he found himself flung back out, and he was back in the present, his son looking around, bleary and confused, and Mr. Elroy…did not look pleased.

Remembrances – Episode 2 (Part 2)

He shuddered, felt something inside him well up, and when Harry opened his eyes again, he wasn’t in the retirement home anymore, he was back in the old living room. But better than that–he wasn’t old, either. No he was young again, like he’d been in the picture–strapping young factory worker in his early 30’s, newly married after the war to his old high school sweetheart, his best friend and strange love, Wilbur, standing beside him, and there, on the sofa, was his son. His only son, no more that five or six, just sitting there with a happy grin on his face, without a care in the entire world.

“There he is, Harry, your boy.” Was it Wilbur speaking? Was it Mr. Elroy? Harry was beginning to wonder if there was even a difference between them at all. “This is what I was talking about, Harry, when I mentioned my other projects. See, it wasn’t just you that I wanted–not that you wouldn’t have been…delicious on your own.”

Harry felt an odd clarity returning to him, and he could almost remember what had happened to him, what Mr. Elroy had done to him or whatever this thing was, if it was even human at all. He looked up at his friend from his memory, but it was… wrong. His teeth shouldn’t be that sharp, or his jaw that distended, looking over at his innocent little son like he was nothing more than a snack. Then, just as quickly as it had come over him, it passed, and it was just his best friend again beside him…but the lingering sense of unease persisted.

“Excuse me, for that, Harry,” Wilbur said, “I can get over excited before a meal, sometimes.”

“What…What the fuckin’ hell are you?” Harry asked, a quaver in his voice.

“Something very old, Harry, with a much longer memory than you can possibly understand,” Wilbur said, “But that has nothing to do with you and your son, now does it? See, I know how disappointed you are, seeing that your son has grown up and become just the sort of person you despise, no better than the managers at the factory, the ones who wouldn’t bother listening to the warnings from the union. No better than the mealy mouthed fuckers at the department of labor, denying your claims, or the fuckers at the bank, who took this house from you when you needed it most, those asshole doctors who took not just one, but two of your loves far more early than they ever deserved to go.”

None of what the thing was saying could possibly be true–Harry knew that, for the moment. But as he spoke, memories flooded into him, as real as anything he had ever truly experienced, and along with them came an anger. A deep, bitter resentment at everyone who had ruined his life. He’d had…such promise, and he’d lost it all to fate. He could have been somebody, if it wasn’t for the fuckers of the world like his son had somehow managed to become.

“But we can fix it, Harry, don’t you worry. We can make sure your boy grows up to be exactly the sort of man you can be proud of.”

Harry felt everything in the memory spring to life around him, looked over, and the look in his son’s eyes–it was awe. He was just staring at Harry, smoking his cigar, standing with his best friend, and it seemed to stretch for…so long, somehow, and then it was gone. They were back in the retirement center, but not everything was the same. No, now his son was sitting there, still in a suit, sadly, but now he was smoking a cigar, the same brand Harry always smoked, looking at his dad beside him with the same awe and thrill as he had in the memory. “Well, I hope you’re liking it here, dad. I only want the best for you, you know that,” Peter said, taking a draw off his cigar, adding his own smoke to his father’s in the air. “It seems like they’re treating you well, though.”

Harry didn’t know what to say. He just looked up at Mr. Elroy standing beside him…but what was he even supposed to think? The real him, the kid that was growing more and more distant with each passing moment, was horrified, and couldn’t bear the thought of this monster doing to his father what had been done to him. But this new person he was becoming, with all of these vivid memories…he was thrilled…and he wanted to see more. He wanted his boy to become exactly the kind of man he was, to lose…everything, and be swallowed up and spit back out again.

“I can assure you that your father is very much enjoying his place here, isn’t that right, Harry?”

Harry nodded, and cleared his throat, “Yeah, yeah, it ain’t…home, but it’s alright.”

They all chatted for a few minutes, and Harry couldn’t tear his eyes away from his son’s cigar. The boy had always been obsessed with them as a kid, he’d always thought that when he could smoke them, then he’d be a real man, just like his dad was. Fuck, the first time he’d caught him with one, he’d had to give him a spanking (Patricia had demanded it, and he wasn’t about to contradict her word on household manners) but afterwards, he’d taken him for a ride in the truck, out of town a ways, and shown him the right way to do it, how to cut the cap off (or bite it off, if you were in a pickle), how to light it, how to hold it. He’d inhaled too much, and ended up having to throw open the passenger door and vomit on the side of the road, but it wasn’t like Harry hadn’t done the same thing when he’d smoked his first one too!

Remembrances – Episode 2 (Part 1)

Peter pulled into the Oak River Retirement Center, parked, and for what felt like the hundredth time that day, tried to figure out what in the world was going on. He was here to visit his dad–he knew that somehow–but his dad didn’t live here, did he? Didn’t his dad live on the other side of the country? Yet, here he was, sitting in his parked car, about to go visit him, and trying to figure out what in the world was missing. For the last couple of days, it had felt like there was some gigantic hole in his life, one he could barely begin to fathom or understand, and so he had just been hiding from it this entire time– trying his hardest to pretend it wasn’t there…but now that he was here the feeling was only getting stronger.

He wasn’t supposed to be here. He wasn’t supposed to be here, and yet he didn’t have a choice; he had to visit his father. The father who shouldn’t even be here, as far as he could even recall. Full of apprehension, he got out of the car, walked inside, and followed the signs to his father’s room upstairs. Outside, there was some…smell coming from the door, something like smoke. He knocked, and after a moment the door opened, and Peter found himself facing the same nurse who had been so nice to him a few days before.

“Ah, Peter! There you are. We were beginning to get a bit anxious,weren’t we Harry?”

There was some sort of grunt from inside the room, but if it was words, Peter hadn’t been able to make out what his father had said.

“How is he doing?” Peter asked.

“Well!” the nurse said, then paused, “Or at least better than he was doing when he arrived. I’ve gotten him all settled in, and now that he’s surrounded by his things, he’s doing much better recalling memories, names, that sort of thing. But…well, I still don’t think he remembers you very clearly, so don’t be…shocked if he says some stuff that seems out of character, or…well, outright mean. Your dad does have a…gruff streak, I’m sure you’re familiar with.” The nurse gave him a wink. “Oh, and my name is Ferris, I don’t think I properly introduced myself before.”

Peter shook his hand, and then followed him into the apartment, and Peter found himself feeling…confused. None of these things were his father’s…and the man sitting in the recliner, watching TV was most certainly not the father he remembered. He could see the same look of confusion on the strange old man’s face as well–clearly he was not in the right place. But before he could voice his confusion, apologize for intruding, and leave, he looked up and found himself caught in the nurse’s eyes…and then nothing else particularly mattered beyond that.

“Say hello to your father, Peter,” Ferris said.

“Hi…Dad…” he muttered, and the old man looked at Mr. Elory like he was an idiot.

“I thought you said that my son was coming over. That is not my son, he can’t be.”

“Now Harry, we discussed this. You said you would be nice when your son arrived, even if you didn’t quite remember him exactly.”

“That,” Harry said, pointing a finger very forcefully in Peter’s direction, “That fellow can not be my son, Wilbur! You know that as well as I do. What kind of game are you playing, trying to pull a fast one on me? I…I might not remember much very clearly, but I know I’d never raise a limp wristed little faggot like that!”

The words stung, but Peter didn’t really mind–but why had his dad called Ferris, ‘Wilbur’? His dad obviously wasn’t in his right mind. “I, uh, can come back some other time, when he’s feeling more like himself.”

“Nonsense!” Mr. Elroy said, wrapped an arm around Peter’s waist and pulled him deeper into the smoky sitting area, and sitting him down on the sofa there, to the side of Harry’s recliner. “This is just what he needs. He’s never going to remember you of you don’t spend some time together. Why don’t we all discuss some of our favorite memories? I bet that will help your dad remember you better.”

But Peter wasn’t listening. Peter was just staring off into space, a happy little grin on his face, not really here nor there. Satisfied that Peter was occupied for the moment, Mr. Elroy turned to Harry, “It is a bit disappointing, isn’t it? I would have expected your son to be more like you too, Harry. Strong, with a good work ethic. Someone who’d want to be working with their hands, not at a computer all day.”

“He don’t even smoke,” Harry said.

“That he doesn’t,” Mr. Elroy said, “But you know, maybe we can do something about that, Harry, just you and I.” He walked over to where Harry was sitting, put a hand on his shoulder, and heard Harry moan slightly at his touch. “See, I don’t think your son remembers you too clearly either. I think that if he had a clearer memory of his childhood…well, that might clarify a few things for him. He might even end up with a whole new perspective on who he is. Family can do that, you know, and memories are such…a powerful thing.”

***

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Remembrances – Episode 1 (Part 6)

“No!” Harry said, and crossed his arms, “I’m…I’m not hungry.” He was, in fact, a bit peckish, but as far as he was concerned, this was one hill he was willing to die on.

“Not hungry, eh? Something else you’d rather do on our lunch break, then, buddy?”

That hadn’t been Mr. Elroy’s voice. It had been Wilbur’s, but it had come out of Mr. Elroy’s mouth. Just…hearing him again, filled him with such longing, but Harry pushed back, as best he could. Wilbur wasn’t real. None of this was real. “You’re…not him. You can’t be him…” Harry said, shaking his head, hand shaking and dropping the ash of his cigar onto the floor beside him, where Mr. Elroy stamped it out, before plucking the half smoked cigar from Harry’s hand.

“Careful now–if you can’t be careful, I won’t let you smoke in here anymore–you’ll have to do it outside.”

“I don’t…I’ve never smoked before in my life…” Harry said, staring at the cigar, trying to remember where it had even come from.

“Nonsense–you smoke like a chimney, Harry. Now–you said you didn’t want lunch–but don’t you at least want a snack?” Mr. Elroy unzipped the fly of his pants, stuck the cigar in his mouth, and pulled out his cock. It was erect, and inches from Harry’s face in the recliner. “Go on then, you old faggot.”

“I’m not a faggot!” Harry said, bristling at the word. No–he wasn’t a faggot. He was…straight. What he’d had with Wilbur, that was something else. He’d never really known how to explain it, and he’d never dared tried to talk to Patricia about it…though he suspected she’d known something was going on between them. No–but not one of those limp-wristed faggots. But Harry pushed those thoughts aside too. He’d never been married–hell, he’d never even had sex before! He…honestly didn’t know if he’d been gay or straight, not anymore. Everything just felt so muddled in his head, and just impossible to untangle. “I’m…not a faggot…” he said again, less certain this time.

“No?” Mr. Elroy said, and then…something happened. It wasn’t Mr. Elroy standing in front of him–it was Wilbur again, and he wasn’t in that apartment, he was in his old living room. Was it…a memory? Was it something else? “What about for me, Harry–think you could be a faggot for me?” Wilbur said, and stroked his bearded cheek. He looked…so young, like when they’d first met, and when Harry looked down at himself, he saw that he was young too, his leg uninjured, his body strong and vital, and he was so…happy, and so hungry, he leapt on his lover’s cock and started sucking on it. “Yeah, that’s it–I never could keep you off this thing, even if I wanted to try.”

Harry didn’t care–he was happy. He was happy here, in the past, where he…where he felt like he belonged. “Fuck Wilbur, I’ve…I’ve fucking missed you so much,” he said, licking around the head of his cock.

“Yeah, I know how you get without a good fucking, buddy–now come on,” Wilbur said, and hauled Harry into the bedroom, getting his suspenders off his shoulders and his pants down, pushing him over the bed. “This is what you want, right you fucking faggot?”

That…that didn’t seem right to him. Wilbur would have never called him that, but fuck, he did want it. He was so fucking horny for his cock, it felt like ages since he’d been fucked properly. “Y-Yeah, give it to me Wilbur.”

“You old fucking pig–I’ll give you what you fucking need.”

It was rough, and it hurt. He tried to pull away, tried to get Wilbur to slow down, but he just grabbed hold of Harry’s hair and tugged him back onto his cock, told him to take it like the man he claimed he was. It hurt, hearing that…but he was so hard, all the same. He just let it happen, let Wilbur have his way with him, the room filling with his cigar smoke, and when he came, deep inside him, the bedroom scene around him evaporated, and he was back in the apartment bedroom, his leg aching, Mr. Elroy’s cock throbbing inside his ass, laughing. “Yeah, that’s a good old fuckpig–faggot is right. No man would moan like that with a cock deep in his ass, right?”

Harry tried to crawl away, and Mr. Elroy let him, Harry trying to sort out what was real, and what wasn’t. Wilbur…Wilbur had never treated him like that. No, that wasn’t really a memory, was it? It was so hard to tell, like he didn’t even know his own life–but of course he didn’t, because none of it was real! He had to remember that, Wilbur wasn’t real, none of this was real. “You…That wasn’t real. I know this isn’t real.”

Mr. Elroy shrugged, “I suppose. But what’s real, Harry, really? What do you know is real?”

“I’m…I’m not supposed to be old. I’m a fucking kid, goddamnit!”

“Oh? And where’s the evidence? Real things should have evidence, right? But your dad doesn’t even remember you, Harry–or your son, I should say. That’s just a fabrication of a feeble, senile mind. But don’t worry, we can make you better, Harry, if you want to get better. We can help you remember everything. And what you remember–well, that will be more real than anything else, soon enough. So tell me, Harry, what’s real? Is it this?”

Mr. Elroy reached out and touched him, and a fantasy came back. Wilbur was there, they were in bed, a rare moment alone, just…being close, just loving each other in the small, cramped, secret spaces of their lives. It was tender, and it was so…tender. It felt like it would crumble at the slightest touch, if he wasn’t careful. Then, before he could really appreciate it, it was gone, and Wilbur was on top of him, ramming his cock in deep, demeaning him, threatening him, humiliating him–he hated it, and craved it, all at the same time. Then, he was back, and Mr. Elroy pulled his hand away.

“What’s real, Harry? It’s up to you–depending on how much you want to…cooperate.”

Remembrances – Episode 1 (Part 5)

The meal ended, and Mr. Elroy told him it was time for them to get back to the room, so they could get to unpacking. Harry forced himself back to his feet with a grimace, leg shaking–he wasn’t sure he’d be able to make it all the way back there, not like this. “What’s wrong Harry, need some assistance?”

“No, I’m fine,” he said, through gritted teeth, hobbled over to the wall and used it as a prop to get down the hallways, and back up to his room. Mr. Elroy followed a few steps behind, saying nothing, but always being just loud enough to make sure Harry knew he was there–that there was nowhere for him to go, not really. “Why are you doing this?” he mumbled to him in the elevator, panting a bit from the pain in his leg.

“Because I have to. Because I can,” Mr. Elroy said with a shrug, “Bigger reasons than you’ll ever know, really.”

“That’s not an answer.”

“It’s all the answer you’ll get. Besides, I suggest you worry less about me, and more about you.”

Harry didn’t know what he meant by that, exactly, but the elevator arrived at his floor, and he was at the home stretch. He made it to his door and opened it, making a beeline right for a chair at the table in the kitchen, and he sat down in it with a grunt. Mr. Elroy entered behind him and shut the door, and checked the clock. “We’re behind schedule, Harry–if you can’t keep up, then I’m going to have to make you use the cane.”

“Fuck you–just…fix it. I won’t run.”

Mr. Elroy shook his head. “It doesn’t work like that, Harry. There’s no going back, not for you.”

Harry did his best to keep his face neutral…but what if he was telling the truth? He’d want him to think that, no matter what though–so even if it was true, it wouldn’t do him any good to believe it.

“Look, everything will make much more sense in a little while. Why don’t we get some of the sheets here uncovered, eh? I’m sure you’ll be feeling more like yourself in no time.”

Mr. Elroy went around the room and began pulling sheets off the furniture. Everything looked like an antique, and to Harry’s confusion, every piece also seemed…familiar to him, somehow, like he’d seen them before in a store, or some stranger’s house. No–that wasn’t right. He knew them because they’d been in his house!

That wasn’t right. He knew that wasn’t right. He’d never owned a house–hell, he’d never even moved out on his own from his parent’s home. Yet…his mind was telling him something else, that all of this furniture was his. That he’d had it all in his house, and moved as much of it as he could into this cramped little apartment…but the context was simply missing from all of it. “Stop…Stop!” he shouted. “I…how are you doing this to me? Why do I know everything about this stuff?”

“Because it’s yours, Harry,” Mr. Elroy said, “I mean, if you don’t want to remember this, we can do that too. But let me tell you Harry, it can be very, very lonely, not recognizing anything around you. Never knowing who the person at your bedside is–the nurse, your son, your grandson. But we can do things that way, if you want.” He walked over to Harry, and looked down at him, “But trust me–it’s better to have a life like this, than nothing at all. If you’re good, I might even let you forget about that old you–give you a bit of peace. If you beg.”

Next, Mr. Elroy opened a box and started pulling out framed pictures, took a hammer, and started hanging them up around the room. First, his wife–Patricia, who’d passed away close to twenty years ago. How…how could he have forgotten her? Then, a photo of him and several other men in front of an old factory–the factory he’d worked his entire adult life, until the accident, which had mangled his leg, and left him disabled. Lastly, there on a shelf, a smaller photo of him…him and another man, back when he was in his thirties, both of them smoking cigars.

Wilbur. Fuck. His heart broke, looking at him, all over again. Losing Patricia had been hard, but losing Wilbur–he’d never felt like the same man again, after burying his best friend in the ground. No–more than his friend, they’d been…lovers. Lovers since the day they’d met on the factory floor, sneaking around behind their wives all their lives, but fuck, they hadn’t been able to stop themselves. But he was gone, and Harry was alone now. He got up, went to the humidor and pulled out a cigar, lit it, and sat down in his favorite recliner, lost in his resurgent memories, reliving his life as it sprang up around him, feeling those old thoughts and memories begin to recede away into the depths of his mind. Mr. Elroy let him stew for a while, and went about unpacking more of the apartment, arranging things around Harry, until it was a little while before noon, and he went up and gave him a light shake of the shoulder. “What do you say Harry, ready for lunch?”

Harry gave a start–he’d been so lost in his memories, between this life and his old one, that he’d completely forgotten Mr. Elroy was there at all. He looked up at the nurse beside him, and his breath caught in his throat–how…how had he not noticed it before? Smiling down at him, he looked…exactly like Wilbur. Well, not…exactly, but it was so close that Harry muttered his name under his breath, as he stared up at him, trying to sort everything apart in his mind.

“Something wrong, Harry?”

He shook his head, and looked away. “No, it’s a trick. This is all just a trick!”

“Sounds like someone’s a bit grumpy without their meal. Now come on, let’s go eat some lunch.”