Trey didn’t want to admit it, but he was miserable. He hadn’t always been miserable, after all, he hadn’t even always been…himself, just like everyone in the city. But he couldn’t remember ever being so tired of himself, in such a very long time, and he didn’t even think he’d been…this for very long. He was in front of the mirror again, wishing he wasn’t, looking at himself, looking at everything he…detested about himself, about this self. He hated being young, he hated his pudgy gut and thin arms. He wanted to be hairier, he wanted to bald a little, he wanted…he didn’t want this, but he didn’t know what he could want instead. He lived in a city where he could be anyone, anyone other than this, and yet, he didn’t want to be…anyone else. He didn’t know what he wanted, and that made everything so much worse.
He had work in the morning, and he knew he shouldn’t go out, but he wanted to anyway, because he knew if he laid down, he wouldn’t be able to sleep. Instead, he would just think about everything else, about everyone else, about himself, and how he wished he could be anyone else, and wondering how everyone else managed to be happy, and wondering most of all if he’d ever be happy again, and wondering how long he was going to be alone, now, because most of all, he’d lie in bed thinking about Willis.
Because that’s what hurt the worst, that he was alone. So many men in the city, so many men he wanted, and…none of them seemed to want him at all. Because all of this wasn’t even really about him, he supposed, it was about Willis. It would have been easier, he supposed, if Willis had Changed, when he’d left. That would have been easier. Trey would have loved to have something to blame other than himself, but as it was, he had nothing else, and he knew it. It was his fault. He’d been so…content. Everything had seemed so easy–that, or he’d been too lazy to notice the growing rifts between them. Willis had been pulling away, but Trey assured himself he would always be there–until he was wasn’t. And when he was gone, Trey didn’t know what to do anymore.
It had been a blow, he could admit that now. He’d been so…happy as himself, but he hadn’t ever bothered to notice how much he’d needed someone else with him, until they were gone. And slowly, he found himself Changing. He lost the age, he lost the confidence, he lost the gusto and fur and muscle. He lost everything, and without it, who was he, really? He was just a loser. He was this loser, and secretly, he wondered if this was who he’d been this entire time, even with Willis, if Willis had been the magic in him all along. He knew he needed to apologize, he knew that he needed to acknowledge that he’d been shitty…but he couldn’t face him like this. There wasn’t any other option though, he knew that, but he had to be…honest, right?
So he knew he should sleep, and he knew this was a bad idea, but he got dressed and made his way through the streets to Cubsters, where he knew Willis would be, because that’s where Willis always was, these days. Walking through the streets was its own torture, mostly because he felt like he was invisible. Like, nothing he was now, was going to be enough for any of the men around him. He got the side-eye at the bar from the bouncer–he wasn’t really a bear, and he wasn’t really a cub, but he got waved in anyway. He didn’t feel like he deserved to be there though. Once he was inside, all of his insecurities come roaring back, all over again. He didn’t belong here, he should be back in his room. He could watch some porn and jack off a few times–that always made him feel better. He shook that urge off, knowing it wouldn’t end well, and then pushed through the crowd of young, sweaty cubs shaking and dancing to the throbbing music. It had always been infectious, the few times he’d come here before, but now, it just felt…loud and uncomfortable. He’d rather just be home, stroking off, feeling shitty about himself stroking off and…maybe ordering in a few pizzas…
He ordered himself something mild. He needed to stay…normal, if he was going to do this right. He staked out a table on the upper floor, where he could scan the crowd and look for his ex, and try and script something out in his head that would make…sense. But why was he even here, anyway? What was he hoping to get out of this? Did…he want to get Willis back, or was he just trying to get himself back? He couldn’t even really remember who he’d been before all of this, and he could feel it all slipping away even faster. But he did like watching, didn’t he? Yeah, he definitely liked watching guys fuck, hell, he liked it more than fucking…didn’t he? It was the kind of thing a loser like him would enjoy. He slipped a hand into his shorts, seeing a cub get bent over a pool table down below, another guy coming behind him to fuck him…but he pulled his eyes away. He wasn’t here for that. He was here to apologize, he was here to try and…stop this from happening to him.
Bracken's Corner 