It wasn’t very bright at all, like a candle seen at some distance. He turned off the lights in the room, and in the evening winter gloom, he could see it better–but what could it possibly mean? Could it glow brighter? Was there…more? He thought about putting it on, just to see what might happen…but tucked it back into his pocket. Answers first, he told himself. He needed to find that old man, and figure out what he did to him.
He trekked back to downtown and retraced his steps as best he could, but had no luck. The streets were too narrow, and the shops to clustered in the night for him to find the shopfront from before–if it had even existed. He remembered how massive the store had felt, on the inside. Maybe it hadn’t really existed at all, not like he existed, at least. Frustrated, cold, and lonely, he made the trek back to campus, his hand gripping the necklace tight, the light giving a bit of warmth on his way home, to his dorm–but the small single just felt even colder and more lonely than the world outside. He took out the necklace again, and looked at it, at the little flicker of fire in the stone, and wondered what might happen if he put it on again.
It…seemed like that’s what it wanted, but is it what he wanted? Looking around the room, and down at himself…he wasn’t so sure anymore. After all, if the necklace had done this to him after just a couple of minutes of wearing it, who knew what it might do if he kept it on any longer than that. Still, it had changed how Herman saw him–how he felt about him. Not enough, but it had been a little taste of what Burt was craving. It wasn’t enough to satisfy him. If anything, this just felt worse, knowing he would be working with the man he loved, but knowing it would never be able to go further than this…awkward moment. There had to be more, and if he had to change to make it happen, all he could hope was that it would be worth it, in the end.
He slipped the necklace over his head again, and let the pendant rest against his chest, down between his two chubby moobs, and took a deep breath, waiting for something to happen. After all, when he’d put it on the first time, he’d been almost overwhelmed with desire–but this time he didn’t feel anything at all. Well, nothing more than he was feeling usually, he supposed. Wondering if he just needed to focus, he thought about Herman, about that kiss earlier, and while that was more than enough to get him aroused, it didn’t feel the same. The intensity wasn’t there. It didn’t have direction. He jacked off anyway, going through the motions, hoping it would just work, but he was left with cum in his hand on the edge of his bed, the same chubby young man he’d been, the necklace still against his chest, the gem giving off the same dim light as before.
Was it broken? Did he have to do something else? Is this…all that he was going to get? Maybe he hadn’t loved him enough. Maybe Herman was right, maybe he was just young and foolish, and all of this was going to go away, in time. Maybe it had all been for nothing. But he could still see the wonder in the eyes of that old man, how he’d spoken about his love as this beautiful thing–who would he give him something that would take him one step closer, and then no further? Then again, maybe it was up to him. Maybe this is all he needed–maybe Herman could love him like this, but it was up to Burt to…show him. Or maybe…maybe he’d ruined it. Maybe it would have kept working, if he hadn’t taken it off like that. Maybe he’d doubted himself, and his love, and he’d never get another chance.
There was no immediate answer, and he was tired, and hungry. He got dressed and went to a nearby restaurant to eat, came back and graded some papers before retiring for the night. He never took the necklace off, even if it felt a bit silly to keep wearing it when it wasn’t doing anything for him. Still…it felt comfortable, against his skin, and by the time he got undressed for bed, he wasn’t even noticing it, and he slept with it on.
The next morning, everything felt…normal. That old life of his, when he was a skinny undergraduate, felt even further away than it had before, and this new one, the life of an overworked graduate student, was feeling more real than he would have liked. He got up a bit late, collected his things, got himself breakfast at the dining hall (more than he would have ever usually ate, but his head was telling him this was, in fact, a light breakfast) and then off to teach his first class of the day. He was nervous, feeling like this was the first time he’d ever been up in front of students–who he still couldn’t help but feel were his peers–but it turned out to be easier than he was expecting. In fact, he kind of enjoyed it. There was a certain authority that he had, and seeing all of those younger men and women looking up at him for guidance and teaching…well, he had one of the more uncomfortable boners of his life, after class.
Bracken's Corner 